What If He Doesn't Come Home

Ashlee Beasley // August 25th, 2020

*photos and details shared with permission

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I remember the feeling that washed over me the moment I learned that a Stryker, carrying the husband of my sweet friends, was hit by an IED. Praise the Lord, everyone survived but the incident sent me into a state of fear that I just couldn’t shake.

My husband worked very closely with theirs and the possibility of what could‘ve been pitched a tent and set up camp in my mind.

The day after the accident he boarded a flight home for the birth of our first baby girl.

I was so grateful to God that everyone was alive, He absolutely protected those men that day. But I still couldn’t overcome the emotions that came with being so abruptly reminded of life's fragility and death's reality.

My husband spent ten days at home as we welcomed our sweet daughter to the world before he had to return to the Middle East.

He had to go back.

I drove him to the airport and we walked as slowly as we could, carrying our new baby, to the terminal. We waited as long as possible outside of security before he had to go again.

Then it was time.

We stood over our daughter as we prepared for goodbye, unable to hold back the tears. My post-partum hormones were many and I was terrified that I could be holding my husband for the last time.

When I returned home, the silence hit me like a brick wall as I walked through the front door. I couldn’t understand why I was struggling so much. I had just spent the last six months without him and I had been just fine on my own.

This time, though, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

It seems that we're all holding onto this big secret— too afraid to talk about it out of fear that our worst nightmare will become our reality.

When the actual reality is that we are only trapping ourselves inside of our own minds.

So, I finally had to ask myself...."Okay, Ashlee. WHAT IF he doesn't come home?"

When I tried to face the fear on my own, I only found myself on the crazy train of scenarios of what my life would look like alone.

BUT, when I faced that fear with the power of God's Word I was met with the peace and calm that my heart and mind so desperately needed.

Military wife, the Bible is full of promises--promises God has never broken and never will. Promises of protection and sovereignty and that sovereignty means there is NOTHING under the sun happening without his approval.

The Lord never causes evil, but if He allows tragedy it will never change the fact that He is good.

It‘s His goodness that becomes our hope in the depths of our pain.

My husband belongs to The Lord before He belongs to me. God has created him, loves him, and has numbered his days according to his perfect will. If God says that his days are not finished then his days are. not. finished.

He will be protected and he will come home to our family again.

So, even if, military wife. EVEN IF our worst nightmare becomes our reality, we can be confident that the God who loves us will comfort and provide for us in our time of need. If the Lord calls my husband home, then I know He will take care of my heart.

I trust God completely, no matter what happens.

So, I no longer live in fear. Instead, I rest in the perfect peace of the God who holds the world.

"So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary." Hebrews 6:18-19